
ME AGAINST THREE
DOG1: She’s home! She’s home! I can’t believe it, she came back; I thought she’d left forever.
DOG3: Oh, joy; oh, happiness! It’s been hours!
DOG2: It’s been days!
DOG3: It’s been months, years!
DOG2: It’s been forever! I thought we’d been abandoned. Pet me! Pet me!
DOG3: No, pet me first, me first!
DOG1: Pick me up and give me a kiss. I can hardly stand it! Wait a minute, what’s in those bags? Must be something for me. I own everything that comes into this house!
DOG2: Look how high I can jump!
DOG1: I can jump higher than that; look!
DOG3: You two are so pathetic; you have to roll over and beg for a tummy rub, like this.
DOG2: But I smell chicken! Chicken; I love chicken!
DOG1: Chicken is the best; gimme, gimme, gimme some chicken.
DOG3: There’s no way she’s going to give you that chicken, you losers, the way you’re acting. You two are brats.
ME: Quiet. Quiet! I said QUIET! You’re going to give me a migraine if this keeps up. As soon as I put these groceries away, I have some special treats. So shut up!
DOG1: Did she say treat?
DOG2: She said treat!
DOG3: You two are so easy.
DOG2: I’m panting so hard, I think I’m having a heart attack; what’s taking her so long?
DOG1: Let’s jump! That always gets her attention and makes her work fast.
DOG2: Yes, lets!
ME: Knock it off. Now, everybody sit. Sit. I said SIT! Okay, everyone gets a new chewy bone with…BACON…inside! Quiet! QUIET! Now, sit. I said SIT! Here’s yours, and yours, and yours. Now, disappear for a while and give me a break!
[The quiet sound of crunching and munching drifts from various parts of the house.]
DOG3: HERE you are in the kitchen! I haven’t seen you in five minutes! I thought you left and weren’t coming back…again.
ME: Where’s your bone?
DOG3: Bone? What bone? You have bones? I want one!
ME: You had better go find it before someone else does.
DOG3: You’re talking crazy, but I love you anyway. Rub my tummy?
ME: You’re a nut. Okay, I’ll rub your tummy.
DOG2: [Running into the kitchen like he's sliding into third base]
I heard something outside. Out. Now. Now! Must. Go. Out. Side. NOW!
DOG3: I heard it, too. Definitely, something’s out there; thanks for the tummy rub. Race you to the door!
DOG1: If you two are going, I’m going too!
ME: I guess you need to go outside.
DOG2: AROOHOOHOO!
ME: What is this, the releasing of the hounds?
DOG2: Out of my way, this is WAAAARRRRR!
DOG3: Got your back, little buddy. Far right corner, enemy in sight!
DOG1: Men! All they want to do is fight. It’s too hot out here; I’m going back in the house; you coming?
ME: Try to keep in down to a roar, guys. Come on girl, it’s too hot out here for me.
DOG2: I see you, you rat bastard! I’ll get you this time.
DOG4: Not afore Yi teers yoors face off, yous disgustink Yorkie!
DOG2: Racial slurs! That’s done it now, you dim witted Chihuahua! As soon as I get through this fence, you are one big Yorkie turd! And so’s your girlfriend, Bell!
DOG3: Um, we don’t beat up girls, Teddie; we’ll just have to beat him up twice.
DOG2: That’s right!
DOG4: At yeast Yi gots a girlsfrien; mebe Yi mik yoor leetle seester mine girlsfren, too!
DOG2: You had better watch out what you say about my sister, you goon!
DOG4: Yi’ma so ascared…not!
DOG2: I’m so mad; I’m going to bite these irises the same way I’m going to bite your throat and shake you to death like the rat vermin you are!
DOG4: Yi’ma so impressedead…not!
DOG2: I’ll dig under this fence and pop out your ugly eyes!
DOG4: You wouldn’t actually do that, would you? Yi meana, yousa beeda not!
DOG2: Yeah, we would and we’re gonna! Hey, Mickey, get over here and help me. What the heck are you doing?
DOG3: I was just watering the rosebush. The flowers smell so nice.
DOG2: Help me dig!
DOG3: Um, we’re not supposed to do that.
ME: [Clapping hands.]
All right boys, I think the neighborhood has heard enough, get your butts in here. You’re looking mighty pleased there, Teddie. Did you win this battle in the Teddie/Taco war? Thought so.
[Everyone settles down to listen to some music and chew on bones while I fire up the laptop.]
DOG1: Hold this bone for me while I chew it.
[Smacks gushy chewed up end of bone against the naked part of my arm.]
DOG1: I SAID, hold this bone for me while I chew it.
[Smacks gushy chewed up end of bone against the naked part of my arm - again.]
ME: Yuck! Quit hitting me with that. It’s disgusting.
DOG1: I don’t think you understand who is in charge here. It is your JOB to hold this bone for me while I chew it.
[Smacks gushy chewed up end of bone against the naked part of my arm - again.]
ME: You are never visiting Grandma’s house again; she spoils you rotten and teaches you the most DISgusting habits. Okay, I’ll hold it for a little while, like two minutes.
DOG3: Whine, whine. Look at me. See my big, sad eyes. See how nicely I’m sitting here looking RIGHT AT YOU! Whine, whine.
ME: Mickey, what do you want? You just went outside.
DOG3: Outside? Yes! See my ears go up? Oops, get those ears down. I mean, no. See my big, sad eyes looking at the bone in your hand? I don’t have a bone, poor, poor me.
ME: You want a bone? What did you do with the one I gave you?
DOG3: Who cares? I want the one that is already all nice and gushy on the end. I want THAT bone! Whimper, whimper. See the intense look of longing in my eyes?
ME: When Mindy gets bored with this one, you can have it; okay?
DOG3: Well, then, I’ll just sit here and stare pointedly at her and the bone until someone gives up and gives it to me, it that’s all right with you.
DOG2: [Jumps on my left breast with two front legs.]
Hey!
ME: Ow!
DOG2: [Jumps on my right breast with two front legs.]
Hey!
ME: Ouch! Quit that, it hurts.
DOG2: [Lands on my whole chest with all four legs.]
I said, Hey!
ME: What the hell do you want!
DOG2: I need to go out. Now!
[Licks my nose.]
ME: You were just outside.
DOG2: No I wasn’t. I haven’t been out all day. I probably haven’t been out in a week. And you better let me out now, because I’m about to have an EMERGENCY!!
[Licks my nose twice.]
DOG3: Now that you mention it, I think I’m about to have an emergency, too. I only watered the rosebush earlier.
DOG2: Let us out!
DOG3: Let us out!
ME: This is never going to end, is it? All right, let’s go.
DOG2: AROOHOOHOO! Out of my way, this is WAAAARRRRR!
DOG3: Got your back, little buddy. Far right corner, enemy in sight!
ME: Halt! If I can hear you, that means you’re not taking care of business!
[Mulch goes flying as miscreants screech to a halt.]
DOG2: Spoilsport.
DOG3: She has a point.
DOG2: I’m taking the far left corner; no peeking. I don’t like anybody to watch.
DOG3: No problemo, little buddy; I’ll take the left side yard and check to see if those kids are out while I’m there. See if they have any treats.
[Much scuffing of mulch and leaves; boys approach the screen door as if they accomplished something important, like landing on the moon.]
ME: You two are impossible, look at the mud on your back feet. You’re not Terriers, you’re holy terrors! Get in the house. And could you try to leave SOME of the backyard IN the backyard; just a thought.
[STILL TO BE CONTINUED]
©2008
Faerie♥Kat
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